


The Sneaky Little Burglar Steals Everything From Everyone

by YellowTopaz



Series: Sneaky Little Burglar [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: First Kiss, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Incest, M/M, Sneaky Bilbo, that's a lot of bilbo's, then Daring Bilbo, then Flustered Bilbo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:28:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25119127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YellowTopaz/pseuds/YellowTopaz
Summary: Bilbo shows off his skills as a burglar.I'm so sorry I'm so bad at summaries.
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield, Dwalin/Ori (Tolkien), Fíli/Kíli (Tolkien)
Series: Sneaky Little Burglar [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1959688
Comments: 4
Kudos: 104





	The Sneaky Little Burglar Steals Everything From Everyone

**Author's Note:**

> Just an eensy weensy little one shot I had tremendous fun on.

Trees.

Bilbo had been climbing the towering plants for as long as he could remember. Even as a boy, he would always win games of hide and seek by climbing in the biggest trees he could find. Which was exactly what he was playing now.

Nori, the Company’s stealthiest dwarf, had challenged Bilbo to a game of hide and seek. With a twist. If Bilbo could steal at least 3 things without Nori noticing, he won. If Nori caught sight of him even once, Nori was the winner. The winner had to do whatever the other wanted for a week. Taking a look at all the trees with branches just high enough for a hobbit, Bilbo readily agreed.

Which left Nori regretting his decision to challenge Bilbo greatly.

With only one left thing left for Bilbo to nab, Nori was panicking.

“Say, Bilbo, why don’t we call it quits? It’s getting dark, and I don’t think a hobbit such as yourself would like to miss dinner.” the dwarf desperately called out.

Bilbo was right above Nori. He was searching Nori’s outfit for one last thing he could take. Nori’s offer was tempting though; Bilbo was getting quite hungry from all this climbing. But he was not one the back away from a challenge. Finally finding a small dagger on Nori’s belt, Bilbo found his target.

“Nori, where’s Bilbo? What’ve you been doing with our burglar, eh?” Kíli and Fíli had entered the area holding Bilbo and Nori’s share of disgustingly dry gruel.

“See, Bilbo! Time for dinner, now come on down. Hey, why don’t I give you a little something to convince you, how about that? Here, you can have my— NOT MY DAGGER TOO!”

The three dwarves on the ground heard a small giggle from above. Bilbo looked on with glee. He spied Kíli the arrow that Kíli always paid special attention to and aimed to take it next, just for kicks. He would give everything back, of course, but he had just been hugged by Thorin Oakenshield that morning. He felt confident.

Dwalin and Balin entered next.

“What’s going on here, lads?” Balin asked the boys.

“Bilbo’s a better burglar than we thought apparently.” Kíli chimed.

Lad, your arrow—” But Balin was too late to warn him.

“No no no no NO! That was the very first arrow I had ever carved, Bilbo!” Kíli yelled, shaking his fist towards nowhere in particular although he had a twinge of amusement in those brown eyes.

Soon enough, almost all the dwarves had come to see what the commotion was about. Almost.

Bilbo made it his personal goal to steal at least one thing from every dwarf. Fíli found his belt gone, Bofur’s hat disappeared, Bombur’s ladle was taken from his hand, Bifur’s whittling knife was stolen; one of Gloin’s many necklaces, Oin’s ear trumpet, Dori’s hair tie (his hair completely unraveled and unveiled a bald spot. He was very ashamed), Ori’s hood; Balin’s scroll and somehow, Bilbo managed to unhook one of Dwalin’s earrings. When Thorin finally stepped into the range, it was chaos. The dwarves were all scrambling to find Bilbo and their belongings. Thorin dropped the firewood and yelled to get their attention.

“Enough!” He looked every dwarf in the eye, "What has happened, and where is the Halfling?"

“Oof!”

Bilbo had fallen out of the tree.

Right on top of Thorin.

There was a second filled with flailing limbs and cursing before they straightened themselves out.

“Master Baggins, what is going on?” Thorin demanded. Bilbo felt rather jittery inside. He hid his hands behind his back to stop them from shaking and fought to calm is frantically beating heart. Bilbo had only _just_ gotten into their leader’s good graces. He didn’t want to diminish the impression that he had left on Thorin when he saved his life. And if anyone noticed the way Bilbo’s eyes lingered on his lips longer than they needed to, no one pointed it out.

Instead of answering, Bilbo offered a sheepish smile. That was acceptable, for the other dwarves had done the job for him.

“He stole my dagger!”

“My arrow is with him now!”

“Tell ‘im to give me back my hair tie!”

“What ‘bout my earring, eh?”

“Mister Bilbo took my hood, too!”

Bilbo, being the sneaky little hobbit that he was, slipped away while Thorin was being bombarded with demands for the return of their things.

⤌⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⤍

The company found Bilbo quietly sitting by the fire, slowly eating his gruel. He looked rather thoughtful.

Bilbo felt very little remorse for his _ahem '_ deeds.' Even if it was not entirely welcome, he could see the excitement sparkling in their eyes as they searched for him, each one eager to be the one to spot him. It was exhilarating for Bilbo as well. He was finally feeling that overwhelming excitement that came with adventure, though it partly (mostly) because Thorin had finally accepted him. Not that the dangers that they had experienced had not given him an adrenaline boost. But that was more of in an I’m-going-to-die-if-I-don’t-run-like-my-life-depends-on-it-because-it-does sense.

But Bilbo was still unsatisfied. He had stolen at least one thing from every dwarf but the One. His One. Bilbo had learned a little about dwarven culture at Rivendell, where he spent day after day poring over books in the library. He was surprised by the sheer number of books on dwarves, for to his knowledge, dwarves were a rather secretive race. He may or may not have been especially interested in the books on dwarven romance.

His findings both delighted and worried him. Dwarves have Ones. Every dwarf did. They would feel a longing, an ache for their other half when apart, and when they actually did meet, the occasion was a joyous one.

If a dwarf fell in love with someone, they could not move on. They literally could not move on. It was the same for hobbits too, which Bilbo found very interesting. If the two were in love with each other, they would love each other until the end of their days with no third person in the picture, for their love was reserved for their One only. If a dwarf was faced with rejection, they would live in sadness, forever mooning over the only one who could heal their broken heart.

And Bilbo’s One was Thorin. It just had to be Thorin. Just had to be the leader of the Company. Just had the King Under the Mountain. As if he didn’t have enough problems already.

“Ya doin’ some thinking on how to apologize to us poor dwarrows for takin’ our things?”

Bilbo yelped as Bofur strode in his line of sight, blocking Thorin from his view.

“Wha—no—huh?” stammered Bilbo.

Bofur chuckled. “‘Course ya ain't. Ya probably thinkin’ what’s the best position to shag our leader, aren’t ya?”

Bilbo fell off his log.

“What? Of course not! Excuse you, but that is completely indecent, and…. oh my…” Bilbo fanned his face from the ground. Bofur full on laughed and pulled Bilbo back up.

“But ya are thinkin’ bout Thorin.” Bofur watched Bilbo’s eyes widen almost comically. ”Lad, even a blind, deaf, and mute _elf_ could see it from a mile off. Not exactly subtle, you staring at the dwarf all day long.”

“Get to the point,” Bilbo grumbled.

“The point is,” Bofur smiled “Go get ‘im already. The company’s tired of waitin’ for the two of you to have at it.”

“The company knows?!” Bilbo squeaked

“‘Course they do! Nori's already started the betting round, lad. Although Fíli and Kíli were completely clueless when we asked, and completely scandalized when they found out what the the bet was about. Dwalin and Gloin are one of the only ones who say the two of you won’t have a little action by the end of the quest. Prove ‘em wrong. I’m runnin’ outta gold to buy ale.”

Bilbo hit him and stormed off to sulk.

Once he found a suitable spot behind a tree, he plopped himself down and took out his pipe. He took soothing breaths of Old Toby before he began to ponder further.

The company knew! They placed bets! Again! It isn’t as if they don’t have couples within themselves. Fíli and Kíli were always rather closer than brothers normally were. And Dwalin stuck to Ori’s side like glue! They had no right to make bets on such indecent things. But however much it pains Bilbo to admit, they were right. Bilbo did have feelings for Thorin. But Bilbo had no idea how to tell the majestic creature, or if he should even tell him at all. Thorin would probably just laugh at him, and the episode from that evening might have just made Thorin disapprove of him all over again. It probably wasn’t a good idea to tell him.

Plus, even if Thorin somehow did reciprocate his feelings, why should Bilbo be the one to initiate it? No sir, if Thorin wanted him, he would have to come and get him. After giving himself a satisfactory nod, he put out his pipe and stretched his legs to get up. Finding himself face to face with His Royal Highness in the flesh.

“Oh— um…. Thorin! Hello…..?”

“What is it that has made you seek solitude in the woods, Master Baggins?”

“Um… nothing you need concern yourself with.” Bilbo cleared dirt off Thorin tunic absentmindedly and found a small bead in Thorin’s hair. He quickly unraveled it from the black locks and pocketed the bead, and Thorin didn’t notice a thing. Bilbo made to go back to camp.

Thorin caught his hand before he could. He looked into Bilbo’s eyes, and his own softened. “I am truly sorry Master Baggins. I regret my words and actions from the beginning of this quest. I treated you with unkindness and inconsideration. I only hope I will change that in the immediate future.”

Bilbo was speechless. He really had nothing to say. So, naturally, being the ninny hammer that he was, blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “Bilbo.”

“Pardon?”

Bilbo internally cursed himself. “It’s Bilbo. Not Master Baggins. I’d prefer you dropped the titles.”

Thorin smiled. “Bilbo it is, then.”

Bilbo flashed him a small smile and attempted to slip past him but, once again, Thorin caught his arm. This time, he kept it there, softly tracing small circles on Bilbo’s wrist.

“And the apology? Is it accepted?”

Bilbo thought back to Bofur’s words. And they had thought about how he wouldn’t be the one to tell Thorin about his feelings. And then he looked at Thorin.

Screw waiting. He pulled his hand from Thorin’s grip and placed it on his cheek instead. He pulled his face closer to Thorin’s, giving Thorin the time he needed if he wanted to pull away. Seeing as Thorin didn’t, he put his lips on the others.

Thorin’s lips didn’t feel as smooth as marble or as soft as silk or any sappy things like that. No, instead there were patches of hard skin due to dry weather and they were slightly chapped. But it was bliss nonetheless.

Until Bilbo realized Thorin wasn't kissing him back. He pulled back from the kiss, but Thorin snapped out of whatever world he was in, pulled Bilbo's head toward him, and practically lunged for Bilbo's lips, despite being only a few centimeters apart.

Thorin kissed him back with equally as much fervor as Bilbo did, if not harder. He licked Bilbo’s bottom lip, a silent invitation to take the kiss deeper. A kiss wasn’t even the proper term for it. It was a bout of passion, a fight for dominance. Thorin let Bilbo win, letting out a soft moan as the burglar mapped out his mouth. Finally, they broke apart, panting.

“Apology accepted, Thorin Oakenshield.”

Thorin only muttered "Cheeky Hobbit," before ducking back now to Bilbo's lips.

Needless to say, Thorin and Bilbo didn't come back to camp until well after dinner was over. Fíli and Kíli came to check up on them, and were completely scandalized. The two were well versed in the art of dramatics, and so their screams and moans and begging for mercy drowned out Bilbo and Thorin's. The lovers simply ignored them (though Bilbo thought he'd never blushed more in that moment–oh never mind, it seems Thorin's hands could pinch and rub out more blushing) and went back to screaming and moaning and begging for mercy.

**Author's Note:**

> That last part was entirely unintended.
> 
> Also, yes, I know, it needs a lot of work. But I'm a lazy writer, and therefore, I will not be adding anything to it. It feels a little off though, doesn't it? Bilbo just doesn't seem like how Bilbo really is in the movie and the book. He's a completely different character. 
> 
> Eh. I don't even care anymore.


End file.
